I'm Here For You, Google. Take 2

Dear Google,

I am back to help you. So, sit down. Take a load off. Relax your mind. I am going to take another stab at answering a few of the never-ending questions you get asked. People must think you are Ask Jeeves (which, FYI, is now ask.com).

Last time, we took a peak at some "what is"s. Let's keep rolling on the what train, shall we?

What should we call me?

So, you're in the market for a good nickname? I guess you haven't been reading my Would You Rather questions. The other day I suggested 2 perfectly good ones. I believe the choices were "stinky pants" or "dumb dumb head." 

I'll just get you started with some more questions to get you where you want to be...

Do you have straight hair? We could be ironic and call you "Curly." On the same token, is your name Roger and you are tiny? We could call you "Big Rog."

Do you like hula hooping? Is "Hula Hoopin' Harry" resonating with you?

Do you look like Mr. Clean? We could call you "Baldy McBalderson"

source

Maybe you look like Yanni. Well, lucky you! Quit bragging about your glorious hair and mustache!

source

If you couldn't find a nickname you liked above then I am afraid your nickname pursuit is hopeless.

What should I do?

Oh Oh Oh! Tricky question.

Is the question "What should I do right now?" 

If so, maybe you should go have a delicious breakfast of Captain Crunch and orange juice. Nope, I take it back- have french toast. It is always yummy.

Maybe the question is "What should I do tomorrow?" 

And the answer is: check Never Listless, obviously. Word on the street is that there will be a celebration of the 100th post on NL!

Are you asking, "What should you do for a living?"

I can't say I suggest writing a blog unless you want to make .07 cents per day. Luckily for you nice readers, this is not how I make a living. 

Dog Walker! That is what you should be for a living! Who doesn't want to spend all day with dogs? And you get to spend a lot of time outside... win-win. 

As far as I am concerned, I have thoroughly answered this question for you! I never want to see it on the google machine again. There is no more that you could possibly need to know about "what you should do."

What should I weigh?

Come on now! You took P.E. in high school. Your coach/teacher talked about the height-weight chart.

Here, I did a little googling myself and I pulled it up for you.

I don't think this chart takes into account that when you turn 30 fat glues itself to your hips. So, add an extra 3 pounds to account for that.

And that, my friends, is what you should weigh.

What should I be for Halloween?

Now, this is a question I can get into. I applaud your go-get-itiveness! We still have 11 months until next Halloween and you are already thinking about your costume. Lucky for you, I posted some of my favorite home-made Halloween costumes a month ago. I also wrote a post about my past costumes. And, if you just happen to be an animal who is reading my blog you can find a costume for yourself here. That should give you a good start.

Would you like to be a lifeguard? Here, copy my costume.

Yes, lifeguards always use boogie boards. And yes, those are Gotcha flip flops. I thought they were the coolest thing ever!

I am partial to costumes of characters from the 80s and 90s. Why don't you gather up your friends and go as the cast of Saved By The Bell. Or, even better, find all the shoulder pads you can get your hands on and go as Dorothy and her ladies from Golden Girls (dibs on Sophia).

Seriously, could Dorothy be any sassier?
source

You're Welcome, Google! I'm always here for you.

And just to keep Cora's fans happy... here she is with her Granddad! I believe Granddad was singing a song that went like this, "Here comes Dora, walking down the street, coming to see her best friend, Cora."

How about a little Would You Rather Question Of The Day!

WYR... that all of your food tasted exactly like pickles dipped in chocolate
or
all of your food tasted like anchovy tacos?

I'm Here For You, Google

Dear Google,
I know you get tired of answering people's questions all the time. So, I'm here for you. I'm going to take a load off your back by answering some of the questions you get asked.

Let's start with the "whats." I entered "what is" into Google's magical question-answering space and here are the the questions I got:

What is Scientology?
Alright (pronounced I-ight, if you're hip), people, let's talk Science with a little bit of tology. Here is what I know about the infamous religion.
Tom Cruise is the owner of all Scientologists.  Somehow, Tom talked my good buddy, Will Smith, into becoming a member. WILL... WHY!?!?!? Why oh why would you do that? And, more importantly, WHEN will you make another movie that lives up to the standards you set with Enemy of the State. That was, quite possibly, the best movie ever. Don't get me wrong- MIB III... not too shabby. Yep, for whatever reason, MIB III was the only movie I saw in the theater in 2012. 
Back to Scientology- Senor Hubbard is an alien from planet Melmac. He put his spirit into Tom Cruise and inspired him to do things like jump on couches and be the tiny man that he is.
That, my friends, is what you need to know about Scientology.

What is my ip?
You may have a keyboard that leaves off certain letter like l, h, t, k, or z. If that is the case, here you go:

L"ip" and H"ip"

T"ip"

K"ip"

from Napoleon Dynamite

Z"ip"

enormous zipper photo found here

If you are wondering about an ip address then you came to the wrong source. I am not quite as learned in ip addresses as I am in Scientology. An ip address is the individual ID that your computer is assigned. It is only important when you are setting up your wireless network. 

If you are trying to figure out what the actual number is. Go to your control panel. You can probably find something from there.


What is gluten?
Aha!!!! Something that I actually know a little bit about. Gluten is found in wheat, barley, and rye. Luckily, it is not in quinoa (mmm quinoa is delicious!). Celiac disease is a digestive disorder. If you have it you had better stay away from gluten because gluten will make your body pretty upset. Some people think that avoiding gluten can help fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. I know quite a few un-gluteners (that is their perferred title) and they all love Rice Works chips and Udi's bread.
There you go- now you are all gluten-knowledged up!

What is instagram?
Yes, yes Instagram. It is the hip, new thing that all the kids are doing. If you have a fancy, smart phone then you download the app. for Instagram. You take photos with it that have funky effects and can make your picture look like it was taken in 1975. You can share your photos with your pals. You might even be able to write comments about your photos. Instagram seems awesome and I wish I was hip enough to use it.

Google, you know me too well! I typed "weird instagram" into Google Images and this popped up. I am not really sure how this was taken by Instagram but Google says it was so I have to believe them. And, everyone knows that this post needed another photo of Bea Arthur.

You're Welcome, Google! I'm here for you.

And just to keep Cora's fans happy... here she is!

Now, the Would You Rather Election question of the day:

WYR... elect Dwight (from the TV show, The Office) as President of the USA
or
elect Kevin (from The Office)?


image sources: Tom & Will, Beautiful Bea, Tip, Kip, Gluten Free, Dorothy & Blanche