Nose Picking Shenanigan

Today is Tuesday. That usually means no post. But I thought I would share a random funny article with you just to keep you entertained. Please be warned- if you do not feel like acting like a 3rd grader right now or you think that my standards should be higher than that of a 3rd grader, please do not read this post!

Scott has a good friend, Chris Chase, who writes for USA Today online. He is one funny dude in person and the hilarity stays strong in his writing. I often find Scott giggling like a crazy man at the computer. 99% of the time* it is because he is watching ridiculous Ric Flair (<--- click there if you want to see a grown man (Scott) look mind-bogglingly-insane) videos on YouTube. This time it wasn't Mr. Woooooooooooo himself. It was due to some good ol' fashioned nose digging and a fantastic handling of it.

Chris Chase wrote this article about a guy who was caught in the background of a sports commentary. You may have guessed by the title of this post that the man in question was digging for gold like a champion. However, that is not the funny part. We all know that people pick there nose constantly. Honestly, as I write this I just caught Scott doing a little pick-scratch action.

Here is he going to town on national TV.

He is definitely looking pretty cool. Don't you worry; this smooth player only gets smoother.
How does he handle getting caught in a serious pick on TV?
The most awesome wink I've ever seen. The video is way funnier. So, be sure to check Chase's article to see the snippet.

The 2nd best thing about this situation is what he does when he checks out the haul from his booger paradise. 
He gives himself a humble mental high five. This cannot be conveyed by photo. I know because I freeze-framed this video for entirely too long trying to bring the exact moment to you. It turns out that a mental high five is more of a video than a picture. So watch the full video if you must see it.

At the end of the article, Chase writes, 

"He owned it, like a boss. Try to get that unsettling image out of your head the rest of the day. Hint: You won't be able to."

He is right. Not only have those images been stuck in my head for two days, but now I also have "He owned it, like a boss." To be honest, I kind of love having that stuck in my head though.

I will be back tomorrow with a slightly more Never-Listless-y post for you and the weekly Would You Rather Question. I know you wouldn't want to miss that!

*slighttttttttt exaggeration. It may only be 98% of the time.

Words Of Wisdom, Honest Toddler Style. Take 7

Hola, My Pals!

Do you know what time it is? Honest Toddler time, you crazy people!

Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And I picked out my 30 favorite from the past month. So, here they are:

My 25 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 2-3 - 3-3:

• Walked into my parent's room at 3AM. They looked at me like I was the angel of death. Just wanted a quesadilla.

• Grandma thinks I act out on account of me needing more snacks and being too skinny. She's like a doctor.

• Toddlers: Unless you're selling corn on the cob don't show up to the park wearing a straw hat.

• Toddlerfriend, unless you are a card-carrying member of the Wu-Tang Clan, I don't want to see a gold chain on you either.

• If hair brushes, toilet brushes, and toothbrushes aren't interchangeable why do they share a last name.

• Don't say you love someone then six hours later make quinoa.

• Just heard a 2 year-old tell his mom "I don't know what I want." Shut up Wikileaks, them toddler trade secrets!

• Toddler Tip: When a cat runs, it's not because he doesn't want to play. He just wants to show you something.

• You know for sure you took it too far during the day when instead of saying "Sweet dreams" she says "See ya when I see ya."

• Why are they mad when I break something. I'm not the one who took all those prenatal vitamins resulting in my incredible strength."

• I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song?

• If anyone asks, I've been with you all day and didn't touch the dishwasher. Be cool. I'll explain later.

• Santa, please use the off-season to relax and do not waste you time listening to voicemail today. love u.

• Grandma you busy? Was wondering if you could airlift me out of a situation.

• When did I fall asleep. Hope you enjoyed the quiet. I'm going to be a problem until after sundown. #trust

• Asked for an apple. Was handed a piece of fruit with a soft patch reminiscent of the top of an infant's head. No.

• Second apple looks like it just walked out of the ICU. Is it too much to ask for fruit that looks somewhat illustrated?

• Was just handed a whole apple. What am I four? An arctic wolf? I can still feel where my molars came in. Cut up, please. smh.

• Fact: Most babysitters just want access to your gold.

• Why would you eat scones when doughnuts are a thing. You're just trying to feel rich. Adults, stop.

• You think flour says "I want to be a scone when I grow up?" No. They dream of greatness. Churros. Frozen waffles. Oreo cookies.

• Sorry about last night. Guess we both learned something though. You learned to come the first time I call and I learned to never give up.

• Just heard Cookie Monster say something about trying new foods. They got to him.

• Ear infection. They gave me medicine in my mouth but so far nothing in my actual ear. Where did these people go to school. Hogwarts?

• Toddler in the next room is singing Wheels On The Bus like we're all on holiday. Quiet, fool. Stay alert.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

• Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.

• Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(

• Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.

• Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay

• Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.

• Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.

• Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.

• Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
• In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
• It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.

• "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.

• I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.

• How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?

• I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
• Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
• Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
• If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:

• 9-17-12 and before
• 9-18-12 to 10-1-12
• 10-2-12 to 11-2-12
• 11-3-12 to 12-2-12
• 12-2-12 to 1-2-13
• 1-3-13 to 2-3-13

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 5

I am back, once again, with a look into the world of the Honest Toddler. You may have one. You may know one. You definitely were once one. Let's take a look at what this truth-telling little dude has to say!

Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And I picked out my 30 favorite from the past month. So, here they are:

My 30 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 12-2 - 1-2:

• Asked if fish have butts. They laughed. That's the last time I put myself out there.

• Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.

• I honestly do want to help more but it can get out of control- turn around and you're a 2T butler living under the stairs.

• Trying to figure out who my friends are: How many of you knew about waffle cones but failed to say anything?

• At the bookstore with my Auntie. She wants me to be intelligent. I hope intelligent people get ice-cream after.

• Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.

• Gravity thinks it's so special making me fall down in front of my friends

• Why do adults say things like "make yourself at home" when what you mean is "act like you're in a museum."

• Bruschetta. It's as if someone was trying to get a recipe for pizza over the phone but only heard every fifth word.

• Gave my aunt a gummi bear made of playdough and she only pretended to eat it. A little hurt. I ate mine.

• As if Santa's worried about my bathroom situation.

• Santa, you know they tried to say that potty seat is from you? Lol I know.

• Shout out to all the rectangles out there. Keep being weird. At least you're not a triangle.

• All kinds of adults in town claiming to be related. Never seen these people in my life.

• Hopefully Pepperidge Farm incepts my dreams and fills them with cookies so at least my subconscious doesn't have to starve.

• Mmmm. That room temperature city tap water was so delicious and filling. Thank you for the feast.

• "Go to sleep right now." Oh ok let me just activate REM as a thank you for using the scariest voice I've ever heard

• If you don't have the gift of creativity please do not try to make up a bedtime story on the spot. #daddy

• The eagle is hugging the mouse with its face. They are truly the best of friends. :)

• I for one will always wear diapers because it's like having a bathroom in your pocket. Technology.

• In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.

• Saw a picture of a sea lion for the first time. Not what I was expecting. Do real lions know about this.

• I get a Tic Tac for every minute I'm quiet. What am I a dog. I'll allow it.

• She just walks around not holding me texting Santa lies every single day.

• It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.

• "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.

• I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.

• How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?

• Daddy just told me raisins come from grapes. Lol someone please get this man a book on science.

• Big Bird, thank you. You seem oblivious to the fact that you are indeed homeless and I admire that.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

• I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
• Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
• Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
• If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:

• 9-17-12 and before
• 9-18-12 to 10-1-12
• 10-2-12 to 11-2-12
• 11-3-12 to 12-2-12

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 4

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 4

We are back, once again, with The Best Of Honest Toddler Tweets

This little boy has got quite a few life lessons to share with the world. Luckily, I'm paying attention for you!

My 15 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 11-3 - 12-2

• One year-old high on milk walking around bumping into everybody.
• He's laughing on the swing. That's great. Too bad you smell like rotten milk most days. Wasn't going to say anything but.
• If you get fired for having a blanket at work, well, that's just more blanket time at home. Amirite?
• I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
• Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
• As if Santa cares whether I finish this sandwich or not. The man is swamped. He's not watching me eat.
• Grownups eat like every meal is their last. Like it's gonna go bad if they take a breath.
• Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
• Sit down restaurant for lunch. Feel like a royal. I'll have the bread with a side of fries. :)
• Toddler Tip: Soup is food in its weakest form. Stay away from it.
• If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
• I love when she pretends to walk away. See you in five seconds.
• Found more of my art in the trash. Not sure why I keep trying.
• I will give Oscar a home and find Big Bird a forever family.
• I will make quinoa illegal and 10% juice drink (red) will flow through the streets.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you missed it, you can find my first Honest Toddler Tweet best of here. You can find the second round here. Round three is here.

Must Read! An Interview With A 2nd Grade Writing Genius

I am so excited to share this post with you. I am not kidding when I tell you that you need to go ahead and bookmark this page right now. You are definitely going to want to have access to this gem 24 hours a day.

It turns out that one of my best friends, Angela (or, as she is better known, Angus) was a 2nd grade writing genius!

A couple of years ago Scott and I went to visit Angus while she was living in Charlottesville, VA. Another one of my BFFs, Sandra Dee, met us up there. 

We went on a nice hike.

Scott went for the sneaky, pop-up-head look.

We posed oddly on a rock wall.

Then, because it was a normal thing to do, Scott carried Angela's dog, Tenley in a backpack.

The hike was a lot of fun. Angela also enjoyed when Scott and I brought in firewood out of the wrong wood pile and her apartment EXPLODED (I mean EXXXXPLODEDDDD) with ants.

I know it is hard to believe, but we still had not gotten to the best part.

Somehow, we opened up the most magical discovery known to man. To the people in charge of the 7 wonders of the world: Pay attention! You may want to add this to your list.

Angela's 2nd grade journal! 

I took photos of every page because it was magnificent and I didn't want to forget a word.

Below, I have transcribed it for you, exactly as it was written. I highlighted my favorite parts. Please keep in mind that it was all written together with very few breaks.

this summer I went horse back riding and went to vriginya deach Thene we went to our grandfathers and thene we went home. Some bay I hope I can ride the horse of my Dreams the horse of my Dreams its dlack with a white mane and it run like the wind. I like my teacher ms. Revere is the best teacher in the world. If I were the president of the United States I'd Be nice to every person in the world. and I,D Be magic. So I code give everybody somehig they wanted. If my computer could talk it would say I hate you I hate you well thats your opinion show keep you're mouth shut.

Twas the nithg before Halloween when all thew the castle somting was going to hapen then ding dong it hapened it was 12:00 someting turble hapened. I was scured then I heard a noise then I got out of my bed I had to go real Dad so I went to the dathroom I opened the door and in the tolet was a geek so I fated

if I had three wishes I'd wish for three beautiful drees.

If I was in the Olympics I'd be in gymnastics because I love gymnastics and my Mom said if I ever felt I was to small but to make it to the Olympics is my goal
I think a Garrisonville Gator is always on the double because have'nt you heard of Gatoraid

Did it blow your mind?
Now, do you believe me about bookmarking it?

Angus agreed to do an interview about the world's best piece of writing and here it is:

Why were you so excited about a black horse with a white mane? 

We were completely obsessed with horses when we were little. Like obsessed to the point that we would hop fences and jump on random peoples horses if we happened upon them. I don't think a black horse with a white mane exists and I can only think that was why it was my dream horse.

Why does your computer hate you so strongly? 

Did computers even exist then? Ha! I know we did not own one but we had access to them at school. I think I was just looking to work that sweet comeback "well that's your opinion..." into my writing. Plus, a computer is pretty defenseless if things ever got physical so I wasn't scurred to pick a fight.

Did you and your computer have sassy exchanges often? 

I only remember having sassy convo's with my stuffed animals who I would wish to come alive everyday (seriously) so I would have friends to play with.

I'm not sure we ever really figured out what the turble thing that happened on Halloween night was. Could you expand on that? 

Maybe that's when the geek entered the house? I'm assuming turble must be worse than terrible and a geek in the tolet sounds like one of the most turble things that could happen to a person.

I would love to know what a geek was doing in your toilet. Any ideas? 

I think a geek is what I used to describe someone who was really scary or maybe I was afraid of becoming a geek in school and that was a metaphor for myself staring back at me from the tolet. Now that would be pretty turble!

What happened when you saw the geek? Did he cause you to faint or fart? Or was it a combo of both that you labeled as "fate"? 

I think it was a combo considering the location of the incident and the fact that I already had to go real DAD!

What does being on the double have to do with Garrisonville (impressively spelled right) Gators and Gatoraid? 

 I have no clue what any of it means. However, I picture myself looking like Phil Dunfey (modern family) when he stares into the camera with this "nailed it" face after stating what he thinks is one of the most profound statements ever. This was definitely one of my Phil Dunfey (sp?) moments. I can actually see myself having this crazy amount of satisfaction after coming up with what I thought was the most clever Garrisonville Gator motto ever!

Do you still think you would wish for three beautiful dresses if you were given three wishes?

I love how simple my wish was back then. Really makes me appreciate that age especially since it's nothing like what I would wish for these days but I do wish that life was still that simple and that if given the opportunity I would have no problem wishing for nothing but three beautiful dresses. Not a reality but still a nice thought :-)

If you need a little more Angus in your life, you can find her here and here.

Would You Rather Question Of The Day!

WYR... have to ride a black horse with a white mane everywhere you go (no cars, bikes, planes, scooters, tractors, etc)
or
have to end every other sentence with "fo shizzle"?


And a very Happy Birthday to one of my Aussie pals, Charlie!!!

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 3

It's Baaaccck! The Best Of Honest Toddler Tweets

You can tell me if you don't love reading some words of wisdom from this sassy, little boy. 

Silence!

That is what I thought! 

My 25 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 10-2 - 11-2

• There's always one kid at the park who wants to hug everyone. Keep it moving son this ain't The View.

• Oh, we're out of cookies? Well now we're also out of unbroken television remotes so deal with that.

• One-year old at the park is dressed head to toe in white. Looks like a cross between Colonel Sanders and P Diddy in the 90s.

• Don't know whether to ask him about those 11 herbs and spices or what happened to Ma$e.

• Why yes it is too much to ask for me to keep my shoes on in the car. Thanks for checking in.

• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.

• Park. Watching an 18 month-old throw the tantrum of a lifetime. It's nice to see a young person committing to something.

• He just pushed over his own stroller. This just got real.

• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON

• Took off my clothes and put them in the trash to express myself.

• Fact: Infant noses are just for show. They taste the air around them with their tongues. Like snakes.

• Fact: Infants love parties and know how to work a room. Stay close to your woman unless heartbreak is on your agenda.

• Daddy keep in mind that haters gonna constantly hate. You know who I'm talking about. Hint: She has long hair.

• Grandma I feel like my life is in jeopardy swing by the house when you can. Love you best.

• Santa I'm tired of making excuses. Mind your business. I'll just get presents from Target.

• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.

• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.

• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.

• Feel like potty training and hand washing special interest groups have destroyed Sesame Street.

• If Elmo starts singing about manners I'm changing the channel. You don't know my life.

• We passed the cakes and pies. She didn't even slow down.

• Yogurt commercials need to calm down. You're not a dessert.

• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.

• Lady offered me a piece of chickpea loaf. Hit it out of her hand because that's what cake would have wanted.

• Thought I ate an M&M. It was a button. I regret nothing.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.

• Nothing adults love more than telling people how exhausted they are. It's like a sadness competition.

• Book of World Records because I was just read the fastest bedtime story known to man. #terrible

• Please don't hand me a broken cookie and act like everything's fine. 

• can pandas really do karate yes or no

• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you missed it, you can find my first Honest Toddler Tweet best of here. You can find the second round here.

Would You Rather Time!

WYR... be able to time travel back to any point in time for 60 minutes

or

your life stays the same as it is now but you inherit 2.5 million dollars?

I'm Here For You, Google

Dear Google,
I know you get tired of answering people's questions all the time. So, I'm here for you. I'm going to take a load off your back by answering some of the questions you get asked.

Let's start with the "whats." I entered "what is" into Google's magical question-answering space and here are the the questions I got:

What is Scientology?
Alright (pronounced I-ight, if you're hip), people, let's talk Science with a little bit of tology. Here is what I know about the infamous religion.
Tom Cruise is the owner of all Scientologists.  Somehow, Tom talked my good buddy, Will Smith, into becoming a member. WILL... WHY!?!?!? Why oh why would you do that? And, more importantly, WHEN will you make another movie that lives up to the standards you set with Enemy of the State. That was, quite possibly, the best movie ever. Don't get me wrong- MIB III... not too shabby. Yep, for whatever reason, MIB III was the only movie I saw in the theater in 2012. 
Back to Scientology- Senor Hubbard is an alien from planet Melmac. He put his spirit into Tom Cruise and inspired him to do things like jump on couches and be the tiny man that he is.
That, my friends, is what you need to know about Scientology.

What is my ip?
You may have a keyboard that leaves off certain letter like l, h, t, k, or z. If that is the case, here you go:

L"ip" and H"ip"

T"ip"

K"ip"

from Napoleon Dynamite

Z"ip"

enormous zipper photo found here

If you are wondering about an ip address then you came to the wrong source. I am not quite as learned in ip addresses as I am in Scientology. An ip address is the individual ID that your computer is assigned. It is only important when you are setting up your wireless network. 

If you are trying to figure out what the actual number is. Go to your control panel. You can probably find something from there.


What is gluten?
Aha!!!! Something that I actually know a little bit about. Gluten is found in wheat, barley, and rye. Luckily, it is not in quinoa (mmm quinoa is delicious!). Celiac disease is a digestive disorder. If you have it you had better stay away from gluten because gluten will make your body pretty upset. Some people think that avoiding gluten can help fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. I know quite a few un-gluteners (that is their perferred title) and they all love Rice Works chips and Udi's bread.
There you go- now you are all gluten-knowledged up!

What is instagram?
Yes, yes Instagram. It is the hip, new thing that all the kids are doing. If you have a fancy, smart phone then you download the app. for Instagram. You take photos with it that have funky effects and can make your picture look like it was taken in 1975. You can share your photos with your pals. You might even be able to write comments about your photos. Instagram seems awesome and I wish I was hip enough to use it.

Google, you know me too well! I typed "weird instagram" into Google Images and this popped up. I am not really sure how this was taken by Instagram but Google says it was so I have to believe them. And, everyone knows that this post needed another photo of Bea Arthur.

You're Welcome, Google! I'm here for you.

And just to keep Cora's fans happy... here she is!

Now, the Would You Rather Election question of the day:

WYR... elect Dwight (from the TV show, The Office) as President of the USA
or
elect Kevin (from The Office)?


image sources: Tom & Will, Beautiful Bea, Tip, Kip, Gluten Free, Dorothy & Blanche