Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And I picked out my 30 favorite from the past month. So, here they are:
My 30 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 12-2 - 1-2:
- Asked if fish have butts. They laughed. That's the last time I put myself out there.
- Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.
- I honestly do want to help more but it can get out of control- turn around and you're a 2T butler living under the stairs.
- Trying to figure out who my friends are: How many of you knew about waffle cones but failed to say anything?
- At the bookstore with my Auntie. She wants me to be intelligent. I hope intelligent people get ice-cream after.
- Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
- Gravity thinks it's so special making me fall down in front of my friends
- Why do adults say things like "make yourself at home" when what you mean is "act like you're in a museum."
- Bruschetta. It's as if someone was trying to get a recipe for pizza over the phone but only heard every fifth word.
- Gave my aunt a gummi bear made of playdough and she only pretended to eat it. A little hurt. I ate mine.
- As if Santa's worried about my bathroom situation.
- Santa, you know they tried to say that potty seat is from you? Lol I know.
- Shout out to all the rectangles out there. Keep being weird. At least you're not a triangle.
- All kinds of adults in town claiming to be related. Never seen these people in my life.
- Hopefully Pepperidge Farm incepts my dreams and fills them with cookies so at least my subconscious doesn't have to starve.
- Mmmm. That room temperature city tap water was so delicious and filling. Thank you for the feast.
- "Go to sleep right now." Oh ok let me just activate REM as a thank you for using the scariest voice I've ever heard
- If you don't have the gift of creativity please do not try to make up a bedtime story on the spot. #daddy
- The eagle is hugging the mouse with its face. They are truly the best of friends. :)
- I for one will always wear diapers because it's like having a bathroom in your pocket. Technology.
- In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
- Saw a picture of a sea lion for the first time. Not what I was expecting. Do real lions know about this.
- I get a Tic Tac for every minute I'm quiet. What am I a dog. I'll allow it.
- She just walks around not holding me texting Santa lies every single day.
- It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.
- "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.
- I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.
- How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?
- Daddy just told me raisins come from grapes. Lol someone please get this man a book on science.
- Big Bird, thank you. You seem oblivious to the fact that you are indeed homeless and I admire that.
Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!
- I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
- Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
- Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
- If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
- Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
- Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
- Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
- I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
- Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
- Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
- Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart.
- Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.
- Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
- Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.
- Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(
- Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude.
- Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS.
- Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime.
- The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip.
- Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly.
- Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms.
In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:
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