Saturday, October 6, 2012

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 2

It's Baaaaaack!

All of you peeps seemed to like taking a glimpse into the hilarity that is Honest Toddler Tweets. So, I am back today with another look into the life of that sassy, little boy.

MY 25 FAVORITE HONEST TODDLER TWEETS: 9-18-12 to 10-1-12: 

  • Reached for a toy while in time out and she kicked it away with her foot. You'd think I was a war criminal. 
  • A fart is just your body's way of saying "Hello, I'm here." 
  • "Where are your shoes?" What am I Wikipedia?  
  • Any kid who throws their shoes down the slide ahead of them has my respect. 
  • Daddy started chasing and was right behind me but I had my shirt off so it was easy to switch into hyper speed. 
  • And I don't know nothing about a situation with scissors cutting the stereo speaker fabric and filling it with raisins that's crazy. 
  • But the child who did that is probably a scientist. 
  • Have a wonderful day, Santa. I'll be leaving out three kinds of cookies this year so don't mess this up for me. I need gifts. 
  • Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 
  • If I lost at the Emmys I'd still go up and collect my trophy. Fastest one gets it. 
  • Instead of trophies they should give out cereal in a bag. Everyone would go crazy. 
  • If you come back today I'll teach you the true meaning of friendship. Hint: It's cuddles :) 
  • Toddler Tip: What's the difference between a bank and a Chuck E. Cheese. Nothing. Go wild.
  • This three-year old just rolled up to the park wearing loafers looking like Frasier. Don't hurt yourself, Kelsey Grammer. 
  • Noon. All the infants start their nonsense. Wheel 'em home! Put them on a blanket they love blankets.
  • Sometimes the only way to make your point is to throw up.
  • Not participating in library story time. How will learning animal sounds make me successful.
  • Tried to push over a bookshelf and break a chair with my teeth. On our way home.
  • Just like college and pants, potty training isn't for everyone.
  • So if you want cake for breakfast it's called muffin. Lol adults, I see what you did there.
  • Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.
  • Not singing Happy Birthday for someone who doesn't know martial arts.
  • Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
  • Nothing adults love more than telling people how exhausted they are. It's like a sadness competition.
  • Tell me again how tired you are. Wow. So interesting. LOL.

Here is my BabyToddler going wild in her cape. That's right- she doesn't have her onesie buttoned. That's the way we roll around here.

In case you missed it, 2 weeks ago I gave you some of my favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from the past week and from a Huffington Post "best of" article.

Here are my favorite all-time Honest Toddler Tweets (including a couple new ones):

  • Vaulters! When you fall, just stay down and wait for mama. She'll come. 
  • Wow. Someone call the Guinness Book of World Records because I was just read the fastest bedtime story known to man. #terrible
  • Please don't hand me a broken cookie and act like everything's fine. 
  • can pandas really do karate yes or no
  • Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.
  • Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(
  • Daddy really needs to back off. Mommy + baby = love forever. I've heard her heartbeat from the inside, dude. THE INSIDE. Top THAT. 
  • Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 
  • Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 
  • Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 
  • The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 
  • Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 
  • Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

And there they are. 
Since Honest Toddler is my first look into the world of Twitter I am starting to realize that there must be tons of other hilarious Twitter-ers out there writing laugh-to-yourself-like-you're-a-spaz one-liners.

If you know of some Twitter geniuses go ahead and let the cat out of the bag. Share please!

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