Saturday, November 10, 2012

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 3

It's Baaaccck! The Best Of Honest Toddler Tweets

You can tell me if you don't love reading some words of wisdom from this sassy, little boy. 


That is what I thought! 

My 25 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 10-2 - 11-2

  • There's always one kid at the park who wants to hug everyone. Keep it moving son this ain't The View.
  • Oh, we're out of cookies? Well now we're also out of unbroken television remotes so deal with that.
  • One-year old at the park is dressed head to toe in white. Looks like a cross between Colonel Sanders and P Diddy in the 90s.
  • Don't know whether to ask him about those 11 herbs and spices or what happened to Ma$e.
  • Why yes it is too much to ask for me to keep my shoes on in the car. Thanks for checking in.
  • Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
  • Park. Watching an 18 month-old throw the tantrum of a lifetime. It's nice to see a young person committing to something.
  • He just pushed over his own stroller. This just got real.
  • Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
  • Took off my clothes and put them in the trash to express myself.
  • Fact: Infant noses are just for show. They taste the air around them with their tongues. Like snakes.
  • Fact: Infants love parties and know how to work a room. Stay close to your woman unless heartbreak is on your agenda.
  • Daddy keep in mind that haters gonna constantly hate. You know who I'm talking about. Hint: She has long hair.
  • Grandma I feel like my life is in jeopardy swing by the house when you can. Love you best.
  • Santa I'm tired of making excuses. Mind your business. I'll just get presents from Target.
  • Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
  • I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
  • Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
  • Feel like potty training and hand washing special interest groups have destroyed Sesame Street.
  • If Elmo starts singing about manners I'm changing the channel. You don't know my life.
  • We passed the cakes and pies. She didn't even slow down.
  • Yogurt commercials need to calm down. You're not a dessert.
  • Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
  • Lady offered me a piece of chickpea loaf. Hit it out of her hand because that's what cake would have wanted.
  • Thought I ate an M&M. It was a button. I regret nothing.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

  • Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 
  • Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.
  • Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
  • Nothing adults love more than telling people how exhausted they are. It's like a sadness competition.
  • Book of World Records because I was just read the fastest bedtime story known to man. #terrible
  • Please don't hand me a broken cookie and act like everything's fine. 
  • can pandas really do karate yes or no
  • Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.
  • Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(
  • Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 
  • Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 
  • Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 
  • The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 
  • Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 
  • Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you missed it, you can find my first Honest Toddler Tweet best of here. You can find the second round here.

Would You Rather Time!
WYR... be able to time travel back to any point in time for 60 minutes
your life stays the same as it is now but you inherit 2.5 million dollars?


  1. wyr: 2.5 million thanks!

    Sorry I am not a Fan of the HT! boo ya!

    1. That is a boo ya! I think HT is hilarious. I don't know how you couldn't!

    2. There isn't a single tweet from this post that you think is funny?

    3. ps you are all over the WYRs! I love it!!! Thank you!

  2. Could I time travel back to the 100m lotto we had here last week and take with me the correct answers?

    1. Of course, but you run the risk of altering your whole life by possibly changing something during time travel.
      I'm taking the 2.5 million. I'm too scared that I will mess up everything.