Words Of Wisdom, Honest Toddler Style. Take 9

Wahhhhooooooooooo! It is Honest Toddler time! And you know that's right.

Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggle. And then I pick out my favorites from the past month for you to enjoy.

Here are my favorite 25 Honest Toddler Tweets from 4-3-13 to 5-3-13:

1. Heard a noise. Was told “it’s just the house.” So is it enchanted or haunted I need to know.
2. Toddler Tip: The only thing cats love more than hiding spots is having someone to share them with. :)
3. If cats don’t want to be relaxed on, why are they made out of blanket material. Mixed messages.
4. And don’t say you’re “paleo” because cavemen would have loved cinnamon rolls. Ridikilus.
5. If it helps, think of bread like a pillow that keeps your insides comfortable.
6. The Food Network would be more realistic if they put a small, crying child at the feet of each chef.
7. Tried to accidentally knock a table off its axis. Cashier looked at me like "I will fight a child."
8. Anthropologie, you may have changed your name but I know a Salvation Army when I see one.
9. Broke a $40 candle with my teeth. Lost walking privileges.
10. In a store called Anthropologie. Looks like a cross between a garage sale and a wedding.
11. Tonight's bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
12. Weird how people won't buy fruit snacks but give you fruit as a snack. It's just semantics.
13. If you don’t know what falafel is just imagine beans trying very hard to be meatballs.
14. People rarely Instagram toddlers because only romantic things like strawberries and falafel sandwiches are allowed.
15. In the future people will uncover Instagram and wonder why adults needed so many daily reminders as to what they looked like.
16. Adults use Instagram because the best way to enjoy a moment is to make it look like it happened hundreds of years ago.
17. Dora, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the Man With the Yellow Hat DITCH THE MONKEY.
18. Good series on TV right now about a young runaway trying to find a forever family. Stay strong, Dora.
19. John Legend is on Sesame Street singing about sunshine with a fake owl. I guess everyone is broke these days.
20. There is only one reason you are eating sorbet: to feel unique and wealthy. Get some confidence.
21. Sorbet trying to pass itself off as ice-cream is a slap in the face to each and every one of us.
22. You have these adults visiting people with a $75 present for the new infant and some double-sided tape for the toddler.
23. 99% of children with Sibling Infant Disease will grow up to take Instagram photos of their own faces. So sad.
24. Explain to me why these "toddler beds" are four inches off of the ground. I looked under mine and saw that it was propped up with suitcases.
25. Dog people are always hating on toddlers. Just mad because we know more tricks.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

• Most toddler don't even want much. Maybe a kiss, 3 hugs, 4-5 sips of water, quick tale of adventure and maybe a pancake.

• Toddler Tip: Did someone you love say "no" to you? They're confused. To help clear their head ask again times infinity.

• Don't call someone a blessing and then try to fit their entire bedtime routine in a single commercial break.

• Toddler Tip: If they haven't put on people clothes by noon, you're not going to the park today.

• Sleeping Dog, Sleeping Tiger, Train That Does Not Move <-- These are not games. Your adult is trying to nap on the clock.

• And Big Bird...it's not a nest if it sits on an alley floor. We call that a driftwood pile. Your life is in shambles.

• Toddler Tip: 3AM is as good a time as any to call a meeting about your sock situation.

• It was cats who taught toddlers to lightly cover pee/poo accidents before fleeing the scene. Thank you.

• Toddler Tip: When a cat runs, it's not because he doesn't want to play. He just wants to show you something.

• Why are they mad when I break something. I'm not the one who took all those prenatal vitamins resulting in my incredible strength."

• I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song?

• Fact: Most babysitters just want access to your gold.

• Ear infection. They gave me medicine in my mouth but so far nothing in my actual ear. Where did these people go to school. Hogwarts?

• Toddler in the next room is singing Wheels On The Bus like we're all on holiday. Quiet, fool. Stay alert.

• Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.

• Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(

• Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.

• Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay

• Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.

• Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.

• Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.

• Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.

• In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.

• It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.

• "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.

• I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.

• How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?

• I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.

• Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)

• Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.

• If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that

• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.

• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON

• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.

• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.

• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.

• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.

• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.

• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:

• 9-17-12 and before
• 9-18-12 to 10-1-12
• 10-2-12 to 11-2-12
• 11-3-12 to 12-2-12
• 12-2-12 to 1-2-13
• 1-3-13 to 2-3-13
• 2-3-13 to 3-3-13
• 3-3-13 to 4-3-13

Words Of Wisdom, Honest Toddler Style. Take 7

Hola, My Pals!

Do you know what time it is? Honest Toddler time, you crazy people!

Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And I picked out my 30 favorite from the past month. So, here they are:

My 25 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 2-3 - 3-3:

• Walked into my parent's room at 3AM. They looked at me like I was the angel of death. Just wanted a quesadilla.

• Grandma thinks I act out on account of me needing more snacks and being too skinny. She's like a doctor.

• Toddlers: Unless you're selling corn on the cob don't show up to the park wearing a straw hat.

• Toddlerfriend, unless you are a card-carrying member of the Wu-Tang Clan, I don't want to see a gold chain on you either.

• If hair brushes, toilet brushes, and toothbrushes aren't interchangeable why do they share a last name.

• Don't say you love someone then six hours later make quinoa.

• Just heard a 2 year-old tell his mom "I don't know what I want." Shut up Wikileaks, them toddler trade secrets!

• Toddler Tip: When a cat runs, it's not because he doesn't want to play. He just wants to show you something.

• You know for sure you took it too far during the day when instead of saying "Sweet dreams" she says "See ya when I see ya."

• Why are they mad when I break something. I'm not the one who took all those prenatal vitamins resulting in my incredible strength."

• I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song?

• If anyone asks, I've been with you all day and didn't touch the dishwasher. Be cool. I'll explain later.

• Santa, please use the off-season to relax and do not waste you time listening to voicemail today. love u.

• Grandma you busy? Was wondering if you could airlift me out of a situation.

• When did I fall asleep. Hope you enjoyed the quiet. I'm going to be a problem until after sundown. #trust

• Asked for an apple. Was handed a piece of fruit with a soft patch reminiscent of the top of an infant's head. No.

• Second apple looks like it just walked out of the ICU. Is it too much to ask for fruit that looks somewhat illustrated?

• Was just handed a whole apple. What am I four? An arctic wolf? I can still feel where my molars came in. Cut up, please. smh.

• Fact: Most babysitters just want access to your gold.

• Why would you eat scones when doughnuts are a thing. You're just trying to feel rich. Adults, stop.

• You think flour says "I want to be a scone when I grow up?" No. They dream of greatness. Churros. Frozen waffles. Oreo cookies.

• Sorry about last night. Guess we both learned something though. You learned to come the first time I call and I learned to never give up.

• Just heard Cookie Monster say something about trying new foods. They got to him.

• Ear infection. They gave me medicine in my mouth but so far nothing in my actual ear. Where did these people go to school. Hogwarts?

• Toddler in the next room is singing Wheels On The Bus like we're all on holiday. Quiet, fool. Stay alert.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

• Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.

• Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(

• Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.

• Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay

• Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.

• Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.

• Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.

• Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
• In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
• It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.

• "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.

• I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.

• How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?

• I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
• Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
• Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
• If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:

• 9-17-12 and before
• 9-18-12 to 10-1-12
• 10-2-12 to 11-2-12
• 11-3-12 to 12-2-12
• 12-2-12 to 1-2-13
• 1-3-13 to 2-3-13

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 6

Hey, Hey Everybody!

It is Honest Toddler time. We are working with one sassy little boy here, people. Let's see what he had to say in the month of January!

Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And I picked out my 30 favorite from the past month. So, here they are:

My 15 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 1-3 - 2-3:

• 9-month old at the park wants to play. OK let me just drain myself of life force so that we have something in common. No.

• I think the Berenstain Bears are cute but sometimes I wonder how many people they've eaten.

• Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.

• When you love someone, you accept them as they are. Pants or no pants.

• Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(

• Going to pretend to be asleep until these people leave or dessert is served whichever happens first.

• Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.

• Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay

• Why do my parents say "thank you" when strangers compliment MY good looks? So desperate for attention. Sad.

• Hearing two people argue over who has to come get you in the morning is not a good way to build your child's self esteem. smh.

• But no, take your time. Hash it out. I'll just lay here and brainstorm ways to rebuild my self-worth.

• Toddler Tip: Your mouth is like a pocket for your face. Put things in there. Anything.

• Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.

• Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.

• "You're giving me gray hairs." First of all, I ate my gray crayon months ago. Second, stop lying.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.

• Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
• In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
• It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.

• "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.

• I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.

• How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?

• I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
• Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
• Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
• If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:

• 9-17-12 and before
• 9-18-12 to 10-1-12
• 10-2-12 to 11-2-12
• 11-3-12 to 12-2-12
• 12-2-12 to 1-2-13

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 5

I am back, once again, with a look into the world of the Honest Toddler. You may have one. You may know one. You definitely were once one. Let's take a look at what this truth-telling little dude has to say!

Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And I picked out my 30 favorite from the past month. So, here they are:

My 30 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 12-2 - 1-2:

• Asked if fish have butts. They laughed. That's the last time I put myself out there.

• Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.

• I honestly do want to help more but it can get out of control- turn around and you're a 2T butler living under the stairs.

• Trying to figure out who my friends are: How many of you knew about waffle cones but failed to say anything?

• At the bookstore with my Auntie. She wants me to be intelligent. I hope intelligent people get ice-cream after.

• Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.

• Gravity thinks it's so special making me fall down in front of my friends

• Why do adults say things like "make yourself at home" when what you mean is "act like you're in a museum."

• Bruschetta. It's as if someone was trying to get a recipe for pizza over the phone but only heard every fifth word.

• Gave my aunt a gummi bear made of playdough and she only pretended to eat it. A little hurt. I ate mine.

• As if Santa's worried about my bathroom situation.

• Santa, you know they tried to say that potty seat is from you? Lol I know.

• Shout out to all the rectangles out there. Keep being weird. At least you're not a triangle.

• All kinds of adults in town claiming to be related. Never seen these people in my life.

• Hopefully Pepperidge Farm incepts my dreams and fills them with cookies so at least my subconscious doesn't have to starve.

• Mmmm. That room temperature city tap water was so delicious and filling. Thank you for the feast.

• "Go to sleep right now." Oh ok let me just activate REM as a thank you for using the scariest voice I've ever heard

• If you don't have the gift of creativity please do not try to make up a bedtime story on the spot. #daddy

• The eagle is hugging the mouse with its face. They are truly the best of friends. :)

• I for one will always wear diapers because it's like having a bathroom in your pocket. Technology.

• In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.

• Saw a picture of a sea lion for the first time. Not what I was expecting. Do real lions know about this.

• I get a Tic Tac for every minute I'm quiet. What am I a dog. I'll allow it.

• She just walks around not holding me texting Santa lies every single day.

• It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.

• "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.

• I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.

• How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?

• Daddy just told me raisins come from grapes. Lol someone please get this man a book on science.

• Big Bird, thank you. You seem oblivious to the fact that you are indeed homeless and I admire that.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

• I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
• Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
• Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
• If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:

• 9-17-12 and before
• 9-18-12 to 10-1-12
• 10-2-12 to 11-2-12
• 11-3-12 to 12-2-12

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 4

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 4

We are back, once again, with The Best Of Honest Toddler Tweets

This little boy has got quite a few life lessons to share with the world. Luckily, I'm paying attention for you!

My 15 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 11-3 - 12-2

• One year-old high on milk walking around bumping into everybody.
• He's laughing on the swing. That's great. Too bad you smell like rotten milk most days. Wasn't going to say anything but.
• If you get fired for having a blanket at work, well, that's just more blanket time at home. Amirite?
• I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
• Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
• As if Santa cares whether I finish this sandwich or not. The man is swamped. He's not watching me eat.
• Grownups eat like every meal is their last. Like it's gonna go bad if they take a breath.
• Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
• Sit down restaurant for lunch. Feel like a royal. I'll have the bread with a side of fries. :)
• Toddler Tip: Soup is food in its weakest form. Stay away from it.
• If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
• I love when she pretends to walk away. See you in five seconds.
• Found more of my art in the trash. Not sure why I keep trying.
• I will give Oscar a home and find Big Bird a forever family.
• I will make quinoa illegal and 10% juice drink (red) will flow through the streets.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you missed it, you can find my first Honest Toddler Tweet best of here. You can find the second round here. Round three is here.

Words Of Wisdom... Honest Toddler Style, Take 3

It's Baaaccck! The Best Of Honest Toddler Tweets

You can tell me if you don't love reading some words of wisdom from this sassy, little boy. 

Silence!

That is what I thought! 

My 25 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 10-2 - 11-2

• There's always one kid at the park who wants to hug everyone. Keep it moving son this ain't The View.

• Oh, we're out of cookies? Well now we're also out of unbroken television remotes so deal with that.

• One-year old at the park is dressed head to toe in white. Looks like a cross between Colonel Sanders and P Diddy in the 90s.

• Don't know whether to ask him about those 11 herbs and spices or what happened to Ma$e.

• Why yes it is too much to ask for me to keep my shoes on in the car. Thanks for checking in.

• Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.

• Park. Watching an 18 month-old throw the tantrum of a lifetime. It's nice to see a young person committing to something.

• He just pushed over his own stroller. This just got real.

• Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON

• Took off my clothes and put them in the trash to express myself.

• Fact: Infant noses are just for show. They taste the air around them with their tongues. Like snakes.

• Fact: Infants love parties and know how to work a room. Stay close to your woman unless heartbreak is on your agenda.

• Daddy keep in mind that haters gonna constantly hate. You know who I'm talking about. Hint: She has long hair.

• Grandma I feel like my life is in jeopardy swing by the house when you can. Love you best.

• Santa I'm tired of making excuses. Mind your business. I'll just get presents from Target.

• Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.

• I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.

• Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.

• Feel like potty training and hand washing special interest groups have destroyed Sesame Street.

• If Elmo starts singing about manners I'm changing the channel. You don't know my life.

• We passed the cakes and pies. She didn't even slow down.

• Yogurt commercials need to calm down. You're not a dessert.

• Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.

• Lady offered me a piece of chickpea loaf. Hit it out of her hand because that's what cake would have wanted.

• Thought I ate an M&M. It was a button. I regret nothing.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

• Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 

• Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.

• Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.

• Nothing adults love more than telling people how exhausted they are. It's like a sadness competition.

• Book of World Records because I was just read the fastest bedtime story known to man. #terrible

• Please don't hand me a broken cookie and act like everything's fine. 

• can pandas really do karate yes or no

• Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.

• Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(

• Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 

• Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 

• Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 

• The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 

• Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 

• Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

In case you missed it, you can find my first Honest Toddler Tweet best of here. You can find the second round here.

Would You Rather Time!

WYR... be able to time travel back to any point in time for 60 minutes

or

your life stays the same as it is now but you inherit 2.5 million dollars?