Sunday, April 7, 2013

Words Of Wisdom, Honest Toddler Style. Take 8

Guess what time it is! Honest Toddler time! I know that's right.

Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And then I pick out my favorites from the past month for you to enjoy.

Here are my favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 3-3-13 to 4-3-13:
  1. To the person who saw me crying on the grocery store floor and stepped over me to get sea salt, shame on you.
  2. Funny how you tried to high five me in the checkout line. Sorry to leave you hanging but I like to save those for friends.
  3. Watching adults try to get up in the morning is like seeing a  baby elephant take its first steps. Incredibly sad but also funny.
  4. When your toddler needs blanket help 6 or 7 times in the night, just remember, it take a village. And the village is you.
  5. Most toddler don't even want much. Maybe a kiss, 3 hugs, 4-5 sips of water, quick tale of adventure and maybe a pancake.
  6. Toddler Tip: Did someone you love say "no" to you? They're confused. To help clear their head ask again times infinity.
  7. Before you try a Pinterest recipe check to see if any of those repins are from toddlers. Do your homework.
  8. How does the apple a day keeps the doctor away rule work? Do you eat it or throw it directly at them?
  9. Don't call someone a blessing and then try to fit their entire bedtime routine in a single commercial break.
  10. Toddler Tip: If they haven't put on people clothes by noon, you're not going to the park today.
  11. Sleeping Dog, Sleeping Tiger, Train That Does Not Move <-- These are not games. Your adult is trying to nap on the clock.
  12. When an onion makes you cry during preparation this is called foreshadowing. Mother Nature's emergency broadcast system.
  13. And Big's not a nest if it sits on an alley floor. We call that a driftwood pile. Your life is in shambles.
  14. Toddler Tip: 3AM is as good a time as any to call a meeting about your sock situation.
  15. It was cats who taught toddlers to lightly cover pee/poo accidents before fleeing the scene. Thank you.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

  • Toddler Tip: When a cat runs, it's not because he doesn't want to play. He just wants to show you something.
  • Why are they mad when I break something. I'm not the one who took all those prenatal vitamins resulting in my incredible strength."
  • I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song?
  • Fact: Most babysitters just want access to your gold.
    • Ear infection. They gave me medicine in my mouth but so far nothing in my actual ear. Where did these people go to school. Hogwarts?
    • Toddler in the next room is singing Wheels On The Bus like we're all on holiday. Quiet, fool. Stay alert.

    • Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.
    • Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(
    • Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.
    • Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay
      • Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.
      • Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.
      • Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.
      • Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
        • In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
          • It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.
          • "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.
          • I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.
          • How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?
          • I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
          • Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
          • Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
          • If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
          • Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
          • Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
          • Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
          • I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
          • Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
          • Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
          • Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 
          • Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.
          • Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
          • Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.
          • Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(
          • Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 
          • Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 
          • Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 
          • The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 
          • Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 
          • Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

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