Do you know what time it is? Honest Toddler time, you crazy people!
Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And I picked out my 30 favorite from the past month. So, here they are:
My 25 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 2-3 - 3-3:
- Walked into my parent's room at 3AM. They looked at me like I was the angel of death. Just wanted a quesadilla.
- Grandma thinks I act out on account of me needing more snacks and being too skinny. She's like a doctor.
- Toddlers: Unless you're selling corn on the cob don't show up to the park wearing a straw hat.
- Toddlerfriend, unless you are a card-carrying member of the Wu-Tang Clan, I don't want to see a gold chain on you either.
- If hair brushes, toilet brushes, and toothbrushes aren't interchangeable why do they share a last name.
- Don't say you love someone then six hours later make quinoa.
- Just heard a 2 year-old tell his mom "I don't know what I want." Shut up Wikileaks, them toddler trade secrets!
- Toddler Tip: When a cat runs, it's not because he doesn't want to play. He just wants to show you something.
- You know for sure you took it too far during the day when instead of saying "Sweet dreams" she says "See ya when I see ya."
- Why are they mad when I break something. I'm not the one who took all those prenatal vitamins resulting in my incredible strength."
- I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song?
- If anyone asks, I've been with you all day and didn't touch the dishwasher. Be cool. I'll explain later.
- Santa, please use the off-season to relax and do not waste you time listening to voicemail today. love u.
- Grandma you busy? Was wondering if you could airlift me out of a situation.
- When did I fall asleep. Hope you enjoyed the quiet. I'm going to be a problem until after sundown. #trust
- Asked for an apple. Was handed a piece of fruit with a soft patch reminiscent of the top of an infant's head. No.
- Second apple looks like it just walked out of the ICU. Is it too much to ask for fruit that looks somewhat illustrated?
- Was just handed a whole apple. What am I four? An arctic wolf? I can still feel where my molars came in. Cut up, please. smh.
- Fact: Most babysitters just want access to your gold.
- Why would you eat scones when doughnuts are a thing. You're just trying to feel rich. Adults, stop.
- You think flour says "I want to be a scone when I grow up?" No. They dream of greatness. Churros. Frozen waffles. Oreo cookies.
- Sorry about last night. Guess we both learned something though. You learned to come the first time I call and I learned to never give up.
- Just heard Cookie Monster say something about trying new foods. They got to him.
- Ear infection. They gave me medicine in my mouth but so far nothing in my actual ear. Where did these people go to school. Hogwarts?
- Toddler in the next room is singing Wheels On The Bus like we're all on holiday. Quiet, fool. Stay alert.
Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!
- Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.
- Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(
- Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.
- Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay
- Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.
- Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.
- Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.
- Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
- In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
- It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.
- "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.
- I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.
- How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?
- I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
- Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
- Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
- If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
- Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
- Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
- Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
- I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
- Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
- Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
- Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart.
- Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.
- Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
- Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.
- Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(
- Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude.
- Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS.
- Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime.
- The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip.
- Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly.
- Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms.
In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:
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