Saturday, March 9, 2013

Words Of Wisdom, Honest Toddler Style. Take 7

Hola, My Pals!

Do you know what time it is? Honest Toddler time, you crazy people!

Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And I picked out my 30 favorite from the past month. So, here they are:

My 25 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 2-3 - 3-3:
  • Walked into my parent's room at 3AM. They looked at me like I was the angel of death. Just wanted a quesadilla.
  • Grandma thinks I act out on account of me needing more snacks and being too skinny. She's like a doctor.
  • Toddlers: Unless you're selling corn on the cob don't show up to the park wearing a straw hat.
  • Toddlerfriend, unless you are a card-carrying member of the Wu-Tang Clan, I don't want to see a gold chain on you either.
  • If hair brushes, toilet brushes, and toothbrushes aren't interchangeable why do they share a last name.
  • Don't say you love someone then six hours later make quinoa.
  • Just heard a 2 year-old tell his mom "I don't know what I want." Shut up Wikileaks, them toddler trade secrets!
  • Toddler Tip: When a cat runs, it's not because he doesn't want to play. He just wants to show you something.
  • You know for sure you took it too far during the day when instead of saying "Sweet dreams" she says "See ya when I see ya."
  • Why are they mad when I break something. I'm not the one who took all those prenatal vitamins resulting in my incredible strength."
  • I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song?
  • If anyone asks, I've been with you all day and didn't touch the dishwasher. Be cool. I'll explain later.
  • Santa, please use the off-season to relax and do not waste you time listening to voicemail today. love u.
  • Grandma you busy? Was wondering if you could airlift me out of a situation.
  • When did I fall asleep. Hope you enjoyed the quiet. I'm going to be a problem until after sundown. #trust
  • Asked for an apple. Was handed a piece of fruit with a soft patch reminiscent of the top of an infant's head. No.
  • Second apple looks like it just walked out of the ICU. Is it too much to ask for fruit that looks somewhat illustrated?
  • Was just handed a whole apple. What am I four? An arctic wolf? I can still feel where my molars came in. Cut up, please. smh.
  • Fact: Most babysitters just want access to your gold.
  • Why would you eat scones when doughnuts are a thing. You're just trying to feel rich. Adults, stop.
  • You think flour says "I want to be a scone when I grow up?" No. They dream of greatness. Churros. Frozen waffles. Oreo cookies.
  • Sorry about last night. Guess we both learned something though. You learned to come the first time I call and I learned to never give up.
  • Just heard Cookie Monster say something about trying new foods. They got to him.
  • Ear infection. They gave me medicine in my mouth but so far nothing in my actual ear. Where did these people go to school. Hogwarts?
  • Toddler in the next room is singing Wheels On The Bus like we're all on holiday. Quiet, fool. Stay alert.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

  • Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.
  • Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(
  • Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.
  • Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay
    • Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.
    • Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.
    • Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.
    • Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
      • In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
        • It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.
        • "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.
        • I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.
        • How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?
        • I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
        • Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
        • Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
        • If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
        • Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
        • Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
        • Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
        • I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
        • Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
        • Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
        • Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 
        • Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.
        • Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
        • Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.
        • Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(
        • Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 
        • Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 
        • Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 
        • The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 
        • Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 
        • Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

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