It is Honest Toddler time. We are working with one sassy little boy here, people. Let's see what he had to say in the month of January!
Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggled. And I picked out my 30 favorite from the past month. So, here they are:
My 15 Favorite Honest Toddler Tweets from 1-3 - 2-3:
- 9-month old at the park wants to play. OK let me just drain myself of life force so that we have something in common. No.
- I think the Berenstain Bears are cute but sometimes I wonder how many people they've eaten.
- Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.
- When you love someone, you accept them as they are. Pants or no pants.
- Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(
- Going to pretend to be asleep until these people leave or dessert is served whichever happens first.
- Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.
- Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay
- Why do my parents say "thank you" when strangers compliment MY good looks? So desperate for attention. Sad.
- Hearing two people argue over who has to come get you in the morning is not a good way to build your child's self esteem. smh.
- But no, take your time. Hash it out. I'll just lay here and brainstorm ways to rebuild my self-worth.
- Toddler Tip: Your mouth is like a pocket for your face. Put things in there. Anything.
- Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.
- Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.
- "You're giving me gray hairs." First of all, I ate my gray crayon months ago. Second, stop lying.
Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!
Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.
- Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
- In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
- It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.
- "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.
- I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.
- How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?
- I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
- Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
- Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
- If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
- Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
- Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
- Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
- I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
- Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
- Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
- Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart.
- Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.
- Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
- Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.
- Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(
- Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude.
- Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS.
- Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime.
- The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip.
- Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly.
- Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms.
In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:
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