Friday, May 10, 2013

Words Of Wisdom, Honest Toddler Style. Take 9

Wahhhhooooooooooo! It is Honest Toddler time! And you know that's right.

Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggle. And then I pick out my favorites from the past month for you to enjoy.

Here are my favorite 25 Honest Toddler Tweets from 4-3-13 to 5-3-13:
  1. Heard a noise. Was told “it’s just the house.” So is it enchanted or haunted I need to know.
  2. Toddler Tip: The only thing cats love more than hiding spots is having someone to share them with. :)
  3. If cats don’t want to be relaxed on, why are they made out of blanket material. Mixed messages.
  4. And don’t say you’re “paleo” because cavemen would have loved cinnamon rolls. Ridikilus.
  5. If it helps, think of bread like a pillow that keeps your insides comfortable.
  6. The Food Network would be more realistic if they put a small, crying child at the feet of each chef.
  7. Tried to accidentally knock a table off its axis. Cashier looked at me like "I will fight a child."
  8. Anthropologie, you may have changed your name but I know a Salvation Army when I see one.
  9. Broke a $40 candle with my teeth. Lost walking privileges.
  10. In a store called Anthropologie. Looks like a cross between a garage sale and a wedding.
  11. Tonight's bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
  12. Weird how people won't buy fruit snacks but give you fruit as a snack. It's just semantics.
  13. If you don’t know what falafel is just imagine beans trying very hard to be meatballs.
  14. People rarely Instagram toddlers because only romantic things like strawberries and falafel sandwiches are allowed.
  15. In the future people will uncover Instagram and wonder why adults needed so many daily reminders as to what they looked like.
  16. Adults use Instagram because the best way to enjoy a moment is to make it look like it happened hundreds of years ago.
  17. Dora, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the Man With the Yellow Hat DITCH THE MONKEY.
  18. Good series on TV right now about a young runaway trying to find a forever family. Stay strong, Dora.
  19. John Legend is on Sesame Street singing about sunshine with a fake owl. I guess everyone is broke these days.
  20. There is only one reason you are eating sorbet: to feel unique and wealthy. Get some confidence.
  21. Sorbet trying to pass itself off as ice-cream is a slap in the face to each and every one of us.
  22. You have these adults visiting people with a $75 present for the new infant and some double-sided tape for the toddler.
  23. 99% of children with Sibling Infant Disease will grow up to take Instagram photos of their own faces. So sad.
  24. Explain to me why these "toddler beds" are four inches off of the ground. I looked under mine and saw that it was propped up with suitcases.
  25. Dog people are always hating on toddlers. Just mad because we know more tricks.

Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!

  • Most toddler don't even want much. Maybe a kiss, 3 hugs, 4-5 sips of water, quick tale of adventure and maybe a pancake.
  • Toddler Tip: Did someone you love say "no" to you? They're confused. To help clear their head ask again times infinity.
  • Don't call someone a blessing and then try to fit their entire bedtime routine in a single commercial break.
  • Toddler Tip: If they haven't put on people clothes by noon, you're not going to the park today.
  • Sleeping Dog, Sleeping Tiger, Train That Does Not Move <-- These are not games. Your adult is trying to nap on the clock.
  • And Big's not a nest if it sits on an alley floor. We call that a driftwood pile. Your life is in shambles.
  • Toddler Tip: 3AM is as good a time as any to call a meeting about your sock situation.
  • It was cats who taught toddlers to lightly cover pee/poo accidents before fleeing the scene. Thank you.
  • Toddler Tip: When a cat runs, it's not because he doesn't want to play. He just wants to show you something.
  • Why are they mad when I break something. I'm not the one who took all those prenatal vitamins resulting in my incredible strength."
  • I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song?
  • Fact: Most babysitters just want access to your gold.
  • Ear infection. They gave me medicine in my mouth but so far nothing in my actual ear. Where did these people go to school. Hogwarts?
  • Toddler in the next room is singing Wheels On The Bus like we're all on holiday. Quiet, fool. Stay alert.
  • Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.
  • Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(
  • Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.
  • Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay
  • Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.
  • Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.
  • Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.
  • Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
  • In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
  • It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.
  • "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.
  • I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.
  • How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?
  • I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
  • Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
  • Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
  • If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
  • Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
  • Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
  • Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
  • I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
  • Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
  • Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
  • Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart. 
  • Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.
  • Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
  • Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.
  • Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(
  • Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude. 
  • Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS. 
  • Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime. 
  • The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip. 
  • Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly. 
  • Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms. 

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