Honest Toddler tweets hilarious one liners multiples time per day. I read. I giggle. And then I pick out my favorites from the past month for you to enjoy.
Here are my favorite 25 Honest Toddler Tweets from 4-3-13 to 5-3-13:
- Heard a noise. Was told “it’s just the house.” So is it enchanted or haunted I need to know.
- Toddler Tip: The only thing cats love more than hiding spots is having someone to share them with. :)
- If cats don’t want to be relaxed on, why are they made out of blanket material. Mixed messages.
- And don’t say you’re “paleo” because cavemen would have loved cinnamon rolls. Ridikilus.
- If it helps, think of bread like a pillow that keeps your insides comfortable.
- The Food Network would be more realistic if they put a small, crying child at the feet of each chef.
- Tried to accidentally knock a table off its axis. Cashier looked at me like "I will fight a child."
- Anthropologie, you may have changed your name but I know a Salvation Army when I see one.
- Broke a $40 candle with my teeth. Lost walking privileges.
- In a store called Anthropologie. Looks like a cross between a garage sale and a wedding.
- Tonight's bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
- Weird how people won't buy fruit snacks but give you fruit as a snack. It's just semantics.
- If you don’t know what falafel is just imagine beans trying very hard to be meatballs.
- People rarely Instagram toddlers because only romantic things like strawberries and falafel sandwiches are allowed.
- In the future people will uncover Instagram and wonder why adults needed so many daily reminders as to what they looked like.
- Adults use Instagram because the best way to enjoy a moment is to make it look like it happened hundreds of years ago.
- Dora, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the Man With the Yellow Hat DITCH THE MONKEY.
- Good series on TV right now about a young runaway trying to find a forever family. Stay strong, Dora.
- John Legend is on Sesame Street singing about sunshine with a fake owl. I guess everyone is broke these days.
- There is only one reason you are eating sorbet: to feel unique and wealthy. Get some confidence.
- Sorbet trying to pass itself off as ice-cream is a slap in the face to each and every one of us.
- You have these adults visiting people with a $75 present for the new infant and some double-sided tape for the toddler.
- 99% of children with Sibling Infant Disease will grow up to take Instagram photos of their own faces. So sad.
- Explain to me why these "toddler beds" are four inches off of the ground. I looked under mine and saw that it was propped up with suitcases.
- Dog people are always hating on toddlers. Just mad because we know more tricks.
Time For My All-Time Favorite HT Tweets!
- Most toddler don't even want much. Maybe a kiss, 3 hugs, 4-5 sips of water, quick tale of adventure and maybe a pancake.
- Toddler Tip: Did someone you love say "no" to you? They're confused. To help clear their head ask again times infinity.
- Don't call someone a blessing and then try to fit their entire bedtime routine in a single commercial break.
- Toddler Tip: If they haven't put on people clothes by noon, you're not going to the park today.
- Sleeping Dog, Sleeping Tiger, Train That Does Not Move <-- These are not games. Your adult is trying to nap on the clock.
- And Big Bird...it's not a nest if it sits on an alley floor. We call that a driftwood pile. Your life is in shambles.
- Toddler Tip: 3AM is as good a time as any to call a meeting about your sock situation.
- It was cats who taught toddlers to lightly cover pee/poo accidents before fleeing the scene. Thank you.
- Toddler Tip: When a cat runs, it's not because he doesn't want to play. He just wants to show you something.
- Why are they mad when I break something. I'm not the one who took all those prenatal vitamins resulting in my incredible strength."
- I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song?
- Fact: Most babysitters just want access to your gold.
- Ear infection. They gave me medicine in my mouth but so far nothing in my actual ear. Where did these people go to school. Hogwarts?
- Toddler in the next room is singing Wheels On The Bus like we're all on holiday. Quiet, fool. Stay alert.
- Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind.
- Is it too much to ask to be held from 4:30-7PM? I'm like 28 pounds :(
- Showed grandpa my top karate moves. He was too proud to speak. Just shook his head and prayed for my safety.
- Going home. Grandpa said to avoid doing martial arts in public because the world isn't ready. I understand. #BestDay
- Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face.
- Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.
- Yes, I am a highly skilled Level 10 (out of 10) karate master but it doesn't mean I can walk from the car to grocery store.
- Love means being happy to see someone no matter what time it is even if that person has peed through all their clothes.
- In trouble for unrolling 10 or 12 toilet paper rolls. I did it for science not me but whatever.
- It's amazing how some people think they're in charge of deciding who has to wear pants and when.
- "Stop crying." Oh ok let me find the button that TURNS OFF MY FEELINGS.
- I need a body double who is available for meal times and the afternoon shift. I can pay in tales of adventure.
- How much you think a robot that looks exactly like you and loves naps and salad would cost?
- I know how you make tea. Just shave a pencil into a little bag. Done. Give me my millions.
- Hey Santa when you get a chance let me know what your favorite kind of cookie is. Always thinking about u. :)
- Naptime. Daddy just tried to put me in my bed and walk away. LOL. Skipped like 28 steps! Start over. From the top.
- If you're wondering, we had money for a $3 magazine about celebrities but not enough for my ice-cream so there's that
- Toddler Tip: If you don't have a spoon, you can also enjoy yogurt with a toothbrush or mobile phone.
- Just tried baking soda. WHY DO WE OWN POISON
- Trick or Treaters skip my house unless you want an O'Henry wrapper.
- I know for a fact that our seasonings were purchased at a Ross Dress For Less and are over 100 years old.
- Toddler Tip: Most parents want your company in the shower. They're just too shy to ask.
- Daddy didn't ask me to join his shower fully clothed but I'm good at anticipating people's needs.
- Don't bother asking if we bought ice cream because the answer will break your heart.
- Man at the store asked mama if I could have a balloon. She doesn't speak for me. I'll take six.
- Toddler Tip: If you put 8 or 9 batteries in a toilet it will not become a robot. Don't ask how I know just listen.
- Don't try to cancel a game of Under the Blanket just because your toddler gently farts a few times. PLAY THROUGH.
- Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. :(
- Can you stop looking at the clock? My bedtime will come when it comes. Rude.
- Skipped my nap today. Exhausted. Will go right to bed. LOL. NOT. FEEL LIKE ADRENALINE & RED BULL ARE PUMPING THROUGH MY BABY VEINS.
- Woke up from my nap happy and refreshed! Just kidding I hate everything and will need to be held until bedtime.
- The awkward moment when mommy hugs you way too tight for way too long and whispers something creepy like "Don't grow." Get a grip.
- Jumped off the kitchen table. Turns out believing you can fly isn't enough. Thanks for the lies R Kelly.
- Mommy ran into a friend on the street. "I've been meaning to call you!" Stop lying. You've been meaning to buy M&Ms.
In case you need more Honest Toddler in your life:
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