Earlier today I showed you the first half of my much anticipated interview with Santa. I know you have been sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for the conclusion.
So, without further ado:
NL: What do you tell the kids who are scared of you?
Santa: Chill. I'm the real deal.
NL: How long is an anteater's tongue?
Santa: It is pretty long. It depends on the size of the anteater. Is it a fully grown one?
Santa: 3 feet 2 and a half inches. [Laughs] That was a prehistoric anteater. It was the size of a car.
NL: What did you bring R Kelly for Christmas last year?
Santa: I can't remember. Come on man, my elves take care of all that crap. Everything comes prepackaged. I just drop it down the chimney. The elves take care of it all. What do you think, I'm magic.
NL: I have heard reports that you drugged the Grinch. Is that true?
Santa: I didn't have to drug him. That Grinch is totally high all the time.
NL: Is Cora the best behaved little girl that you've ever seen? What is she getting for Christmas?
Santa: Once again, the elves handle that and they didn't give me any bad reports so I have to think that she's pretty good.
NL: What was the last thing you watched on TV?
Santa: Amazing Race. I like that show.
NL: If you could live anywhere, where would you live?
Santa: Somewhere warmer. This cold is getting to my bones.
NL: What are the kids asking for this year?
Santa: Cabbage Patch dolls, Tickle Me Elmo. I don't know. The elves handle that. I don't get into those details.
NL: What is your favorite kind of cookie?
Santa: Milk-chocolate chocolate-chip
NL: Do you have any advice for children on Christmas day?
Santa: My advice is: even if you aren't totally happy, fake it. It will put you in better stead for next year's Christmas.
NL: How do you do it?
Santa: Delegation. I've got the elves working hard. Mrs. Claus is doing her part. I pretty much just oversee the whole deal and have to work hard on Christmas Eve. Even the reindeer are working hard.
NL: Do you use a GPS or any modern technology to help you?
Santa: Rudolph's nose is all I need.
NL: Do any of your reindeer have nicknames?
Santa: I'm busy. I've got work to do. You can ask the rest of the questions to my elves.
Two more days until Christmas! You better start baking your cookies for Santa Claus!
Santa photo sources: Chicago Tribune, CreepySantaPhotos.com, Funny Or Die, The Distraction Network, Fail Blog